Thursday, October 8, 2009

Top 13 Worst Halloween Treats

Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, animals both domesticated and wild, I imagine many plastic pumpkins still have some of today's list welded to their bottoms.

Top 13 Worst Halloween Treats

13. Mints - The only use for these things is to whip them at the house that handed them out.

12. Smarties - I hated them when I was a kid, and I hate them even more now. Why won't these things just go away.
11. Hard Candies - I'm talking about those mysterious candies wrapped in wax paper or plastic or disguised as fruit but taste like butterscotch, root beer or lime or some grotesque combination of all three.

10. Dum Dum Lollipops - Nothing more than hard candies on a stick that are "fun size." If I give you five can I upgrade to a friggin' Tootsie Pop?

9. Nik-L-Nip Wax Soda Bottles - What the hell is that stuff inside those bottles? Sure ain't soda.

8. Popcorn Balls - Here's an idea: Let's take a bunch of popcorn, squeeze it into a ball, let it sit for ten years while it cures, then hand it out to children on Halloween. So who's with me?

7. Pencil - Note to self: Graphite tastes like crap.

6. Candy Corn - Every year I see full pallets of these nasty teeth rotters still left in stores after Halloween, yet somehow they never fail to make it into every kid's trick-or-treat sack.

5. Box of Raisins - Are you kidding me? Am I supposed to add my own chocolate?

4. Change - When I was a kid we got pennies ... now (perhaps due to inflation) kids get nickels and dimes. If you've made the mistake of being home on Halloween without candy, shut off the light and pretend you're not home. Don't hand out loose change.

3. Coupons - Even worse than change because they're never for anything remotely good ... and they require more money be spent to use them.

2. Apples - What the ...!

1. Nothing - Because above all else there is nothing more disappointing than when a person answers the door and tells you that trick-or-treating is no better than begging.

Later Fiends,


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